Bury Me

Cut from *The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown*. KELLY Sam, can you hear me? SAM Yes. KELLY There is something I need from you. SAM Is that you Kelly? KELLY They screwed up my final rites. SAM No. KELLY Yes! And now I’m stuck in limbo. SAM That’s terrible. KELLY Right? I hate to ask for a favor. SAM Anything. KELLY Take my body. Dig it up from the ground. Bring it to Arlington and bury me. Bury me with Jackie O. SAM What? KELLY You know the chick who married that president. The hot one who got shot. She wore tiny hats and huge sunglasses and she’s my hero. Oh to be buried with Jackie O. Will you go? SAM I will go. KELLY Oh this is your quest. BACKUP Ah. KELLY You may die before you succeed. Will you try? SAM I will try. KELLY You must try to honor me. BACKUP Ah. KELLY Bring your father to dig up my grave. BACKUP Ah. KELLY And your mother to make a video. BACKUP Ah. KELLY And above all else, take Adam. BACKUP Ah. KELLY And have sex on my grave. So go to Arlington. BACKUP Arlington. Ah! KELLY Drive to our nation’s capital. Drive past our phallic national monument. Drive. BACKUP Follow three-ninety-five. KELLY Drive. BACKUP Get off at Valley Drive. KELLY And bury me. BACKUP With my Prada shoes. KELLY Yes bury me. BACKUP And my Jimmy Choos. KELLY You’d better bury me. BACKUP Bury her. KELLY Bury me. BACKUP Bury her. KELLY Oh. BACKUP Oh. KELLY Oh. BACKUP Oh. KELLY Oh. With Jackie O! BACKUP Oh!