Vegas
from Kerrigan-Lowdermilk LIVE
from Tales from the Bad Years
GUY 1
Dude.
GUY 2
Dude.
GUY 1
Do you know what we’re doing tonight?
GUY 2
Yeah. We’re seeing Hot Julie.
GUY 1
No.
GUY 2
We’re not seeing Julie?
GUY 1
Are you ready?
GUY 2
Yes. No.
GUY 1
Are you ready?
GUY 2
I should brush my teeth, but I’m ready.
GUY 1
Are you ready
For the single greatest night of your life?
Oh.
Tonight we’re gonna pick up Miguel and drive.
GUY 2
Where?
GUY 1
Patience. Try to see what I see.
I see us driving up the five in a soft-top x-series.
BOTH
Cruising through the valley
GUY 1
On our way out of Cali.
I see In-n-Out burger.
GUY 2
Can we stop?
GUY 1
Yes. It’s a four-hour drive,
But it goes fast
BOTH
With a double-double animal-style.
GUY 1
Then at last, we’re in Vegas.
GUY 2
What’s up, Vegas!
GUY 1
We love Vegas.
GUY 2
We love you, Vegas!
GUY 1
We’ll do
BOTH
Vegas up the butt!
GUY 1
Now we’re cruising down the strip
With 3-foot margaritas.
GUY 2
Can we stop and see Cirque du Soleil?
GUY 1
No. Because A: we’re not pussies
And B: we’re not gay.
So it’s time for porterhouses made by
BOTH
Bobby Flay.
GUY 2
Miguel scores E and we’re trippin for a while
BOTH
In style, so true,
We sipping Johnnie Blue.
GUY 1
Ev’ry chick is like “are you the guys from Entourage?”
BOTH
And we say gotta go.
We’re heading to the Bellag.
GUY 2
With strippers!!
GUY 1
Ah yeah.
GUY 2
Ah yeah.
GUY 1
You da man.
GUY 2
You da man.
GUY 1
Here we go.
GUY 2
Here we go.
BOTH
Oh.
GUY 1
The casino is calling and the blackjack is hot
GUY 2
But you’re too pussy-whipped to gamble so it’s my jackpot.
I’m winning wager after wager.
GUY 1
Where’s Miguel?
GUY 2
I don’t know.
BOTH
But the house is getting pissed
So we gotta go.
GUY 2
Look, there’s Miguel!
He’s swimming in the Bellagio fountain.
BOTH
The cops appear!
We’re outta here
GUY 2
‘Cause I know a guy and he’s got a helicopter!
GUY 1
Who’s in Vegas?
GUY 2
We’re in Vegas!
GUY 1
Fuck yeah Vegas!
GUY 2
Fuck yeah Vegas!
GUY 1
We’ll do
BOTH
Vegas like your mom.
GUY 1
Your mom.
GUY 2
Your mom.
BOTH
Yeah, like I do your mom.
GUY 1
Off the strip, we hit the cathouse from H.B.O.
And we bang every hooker in sight.
GUY 2
Except you don’t.
GUY 1
Yeah I do.
GUY 2
I bang your hooker too.
Can’t have your ball and chain getting mad at you.
GUY 1
Right.
GUY 2
You know?
GUY 1
Yeah. But
BOTH
What happens in Vegas
Stays in Vegas
GUY 1
Except when it’s an STD that you got from two hookers.
GUY 2
An STD?
GUY 1
Yeah.
Sorry man.
GUY 2
No, it’s cool.
So the brothel’s getting raided by some mafia don.
And he kneecaps you
GUY 1
Oh my god!
But Miguel is right behind him, and he knocks the dude out.
GUY 2
Then we hear a Canadian shout!
GUY 1
What?
GUY 2
Oh! It’s Celine Dion in a fucking moisture bubble
And she shoots lasers at Miguel’s head.
GUY 1
Yeah, yeah, but Miguel’s so high that he can’t feel pain.
He bursts the bubble and she’s dead.
GUY 2
Well fuck you.
GUY 1
Fuck you.
GUY 2
I’ll fuck your girlfriend too
So now we’ve all got an STD.
GUY 1
Ah!
GUY 2
It’s like she’s always around
And the one night she’s not
You go and ruin everything.
GUY 1
Dude.
GUY 2
What.
GUY 1
I think I hear the cops outside.
Think you can get a hold of your helicopter friend
And get us outta one more bind?
GUY 2
Yeah. I can.
GUY 1
I always knew I could count on you.
BOTH
So we stash the guns, and we case the scene.
We revive Miguel and we hide Celine.
One more twist of fate then we hug it out.
We find a million bucks cuz that’s what Vegas is about.
GUY 2
We’re in Vegas.
GUY 1
Fuck you Vegas!
GUY 2
We hate Vegas!
GUY 1
We hate you Vegas!
BOTH
We did Vegas!
GUY 1
You realize we didn’t leave the apartment.
GUY 2
Right but...
GUY 1
We’re in Vegas.
GUY 2
We’re in Vegas!
GUY 1
We love Vegas.
GUY 2
Dude. I really fucked your girlfriend.
GUY 1
Vegas.
BOTH:
Vegas.
Vegas.
Associated Artists
Randy BlairBarrett Foa
Steven Booth
Andy Mientus
Greg Hildreth
Miguel Cervantes
Todd Buonopane
Michael Arden
Bree Lowdermilk