Songs

I Know My Girl

from The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown

MOM‚?®
Sam, do you remember when we used to do Girl Scouts?

SAM
No.

MOM
Sure you do.
Remember?
We sold those cookies to Aunt Maureen.
‚?®It was all so wholesome and girly and clean.
The troupe went camping and we ate canned beans,
And we sewed those little patches
‚?®With the cute little scenes.
Remember?

SAM‚?®
Mom. We didn’t do girl scouts.

MOM
But don’t you wish we did?

SAM
My mom had always been pretty hands-on, but this was pathological. She was like re-creating some mother-daughter bond that we’d never had.

MOM
Eighteen years have come and gone.
I watch her like a hawk.
Eighteen years she’s my whole life,
And now we barely talk.
I know my girl and I know her eyes.
And she never runs and she never lies.
There’s something wrong - it’s plain to see.
‘Cause her head’s a mess and her heart’s a whirl.
I know those eyes. I know my girl.
And she’s gonna talk to me.

SAM
‚?®I had plenty on my mind without my mother skulking around every corner. And it was getting weirder. She started pulling June Cleavers on me.

MOM
I made cookies. Have a cookie.

SAM
I have a test to study for.

MOM
I made cookies.

ADAM
I like cookies.

MOM
Have a cookie. Have a few.
And then you’ll sit and talk -‚?®
We’ll sit and talk.
You’ll tell me who she’s hanging out with,
And who she’s in a fight with,
And why she isn’t telling me.
Has she started gambling
And are you having sex yet?
And is she doing LSD?

SAM (off stage)
Adam!

ADAM
‚?®I dunno. Maybe she’s having her... y’know.

MOM
I won’t be discouraged.
‚?®I refuse to be outdone.
The game is far from over.
Hell, it’s only just begun.
‚?®I know my girl and I know her eyes,
And she never runs and she never lies.
‚?®I know she’s dying to let me in.‚?®
But her head’s a mess and her heart’s a whirl.
I know those eyes, I know my girl.
So let the games begin.

SAM‚?®
And she kept trying to take me shopping. She seemed to want to purchase specific items but I didn’t know what they were. She asked a lot of leading questions.

MOM‚?®
Do you need to go into the CVS for something?

SAM
No. Why?

MOM
You might need to go into the CVS for something?

SAM‚?®
Do you think I need to go into CVS?

MOM
‚?®And if you need to go into the CVS for something,
I could come along.
‚?®I’ll help you buy the something...‚?®
Teach you to use the something...‚?®
Do you need to go into the CVS for something…
Anything...‚?®
Help me.

SAM
I guess I could use some pens?

DAD
‚?®Oh. Hey, kiddo.

SAM
What the hell’s her issue?
‚?®And how is it my problem?‚?®
And why won’t she give me a clue?
Is she menopausal?
Or does she wanna kill me?
Would someone tell me what to do.

ADAM
I dunno...

DAD
Maybe she’s having her... y’know.

MOM
I made cookies.

DAD
Oh! Nice.

MOM
Have a cookie.

ADAM
Dude - it’s a trap.

MOM
Just one cookie.
Oh wait!
No more cookies.
You waited too long.
Now the cookies are gone.
Sam, you have to eat cookies
While I’m still alive
‚?®To make you cookies.
My mother made me cookies‚?®
We would talk through the night
She made everything right.
I’m so happy I ate cookies‚?®
With my devoted mother, my guide.
Before she died.

SAM (to the audience)
I was trapped.

MOM (to audience)
She was trapped.

SAM (to MOM)
‚?®Okay. There is one thing...

MOM
Uh-huh.

SAM‚?®
The thing I'm really thinking about is what I want - or what I don’t want...

MOM
Uh-huh.

SAM‚?®
And - through, like, really deep and thoughtful analysis – I realized that... I might not want to go to Harvard.

MOM
Uh-huh.

SAM
‚?®Or Dartmouth...

MOM (frozen)
Uh-huh.

SAM‚?®
Yeah, I mean. Should I waste money on some elitist Ivy-League education? Should I do something just because everyone says I should? Or should I take my life into my own hands?

MOM
What? Like Suicide?

SAM
Mom.

MOM
No. How dare you? Do you know what sacrifices we’ve made so that you could have opportunities…

SAM
So much for talking.

MOM
Sex! I wanted you to talk to me about sex. I read an entire book on how to talk to my daughter about sex.

SAM
Oh god.

MOM‚?®
Or we could talk about recreational drug use, Sam. I am so cool. I did dope when I was your age. Hell, I did it when I was pregnant with you.

SAM
Are you kidding me?

MOM
‚?®I didn’t know. No one knew...

SAM
What?

MOM
That is not the point here. The point is, Samantha, that you are going to be the valedictorian for Christ sake!

SAM
So?

MOM
So?‚?®
I know my girl and she’s not some fool.
She won’t waste her time at some fourth-rate school.
I know you better than you think.
Go on. Rebel. Try to break my heart.
I know my girl and she’s not some uneducated
Greeter at the local Wal-mart.

Associated Artists

Lisa Brescia
Meghann Fahy