LADY BRACKNELL
Now to our darker purpose. You may be seated, Ernest Worthing.
JAX
Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer to stand.
LADY BRACKNELL
I shall sit amongst my antecedents.
Family being the only true wealth in this world.
JAX
So I have been told, Lady Bracknell.
LADY BRACKNELL
Yes, by myself. Just now.
LADY BRACKNELL
Born to be
Envied.
You know this grade of sass won't quit.
I love it.
I need the drama of it.
I'm a classic.
I got more stock than my estate.
You wanted total candor,
My style is more meander.
Make. You. Wait.
Leisure's my suit,
Time is no object.
Still at the root
You have no prospects.
Charmed though I am,
Your unbridled hope is quaint.
PORTRAITS
Cuz honey you ain't
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.
PORTRAITS
Sing it again.
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.
ALL
Cuz we know when
LADY BRACKNELL
You're
ALL
Born with it.
LADY BRACKNELL
I got my grandmother's nose
For the stench of the climb.
You got a nobody nose
From an unknown line.
PORTRAITS
Survey says:
LADY BRACKNELL
"Not born with it."
PORTRAITS
Louder for the mezz.
LADY BRACKNELL
"Not born with it."
PORTRAITS
No-no-no no
LADY BRACKNELL
You got a nobody nose.
PORTRAITS
No-no-no nose
LADY BRACKNELL
Nobody knows
LADY BRACKNELL
So, Worthing, you are not on my list of eligible partners
for my dearest Gwyn, and I have the very same list as the Duchess of Bolton.
However, I am prepared to enter your name, should your answers be what
a really affectionate mother requires. How old are you?
JAX
Twenty-five.
LADY BRACKNELL
I have always been of the opinion that one who desires to get married
should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?
JAX
I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.
LADY BRACKNELL
Good. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit —
touch it and the bloom is gone. What is your income?
JAX
Between seven and eight thousand a year.
LADY BRACKNELL
You have a townhouse, I hope?
Someone with such an unspoiled nature, as Gwyn,
could hardly be expected to reside solely in the country.
JAX
I own a house in Belgrave Square.
LADY BRACKNELL
What number in Belgrave Square?
JAX
One forty-nine.
LADY BRACKNELL
The unfashionable side. Tell me of your parents.
JAX
I have lost both my parents.
LADY BRACKNELL
To lose one parent, Ernest Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune;
to lose both looks like carelessness.
LADY BRACKNELL
Your past is
Baggage.
No doubt the brand is counterfeit.
No merit.
The meek will not inherit
Any diamonds.
You can't turn water into wine.
And now you want to sell it?
Well come in close I'll tell it:
You're moonshine.
PORTRAITS
We're readin' the sign!
LADY BRACKNELL
"Not born with it."
PORTRAITS
Sing it in French.
LADY BRACKNELL
Ne enfant aise!
PORTRAITS
Back on the bench!
LADY BRACKNELL
I'm born with it.
PORTRAITS
She's got her grandmother's taste
For the family wine.
You got a nobody face
From an unknown line.
LADY BRACKNELL
Never doubt
PORTRAITS
She's born with it
LADY BRACKNELL
But no need to shout
ALL
I'm born with it
PORTRAITS
No-no-no no
LADY BRACKNELL
And this misplaced father of yours; who was he?
JAX
I am afraid I don't really know.
The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents.
It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me…
I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was…well found.
PORTRAIT #3
Found?
JAX
The late dear Thomas Cardew, a wise and wonderful person
with a very charitable disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing,
because they happened to have a first-class ticket to Worthing in their pocket
at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.
LADY BRACKNELL
And just where did this charitable ticket-holder find you?
JAX
In a handbag.
PORTRAIT #1
A handbag?
PORTRAIT #3
A handbag!
LADY BRACKNELL
A handbag?!?
JAX
Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag —
a somewhat large, black leather handbag with handles on it —
an ordinary handbag —
LADY BRACKNELL
In what locality was this "ordinary handbag" to be found?
JAX
At the cloak room of Victoria Station.
LADY BRACKNELL
Thus my choice is made for me. Ernest Worthing,
how could you imagine that I would ever allow my dearest Gwyn
to be joined in matrimony to nothing more than a parcel.
You have no family, a name of convenience —
why one doesn't even know if you're British.
JAX
I assure you, I am.
LADY BRACKNELL
So you say…
LADY BRACKNELL
Your ratty bag
Is your own bus'ness
Riches to rags
Will not buy kisses
Though to be fair,
I'm moved by your heartfelt bid…
PORTRAITS
But heaven forbid!
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it.
PORTRAITS
Breakin' it down!
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it.
PORTRAITS
Get out of town!
LADY BRACKNELL
I'm born with it!
JAX
But Lady Bracknell, please.
LADY BRACKNELL & PORTRAITS
I got my
She's got her
Grandmother's nose
For the stench of
The climb.
LADY BRACKNELL
You got a –
LADY BRACKNELL
Actually, could you just come a bit closer — well. Hm. Interesting. Yes…
LADY BRACKNELL
You got a nobody nose!
PORTRAITS
Nobody nose!
LADY BRACKNELL
Nobody knows
PORTRAITS
Maybe she's,
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.