SONGS

(A blank stage. Slowly, the WILDES enter, each carrying an object. Each strikes a pose as they deliver their quote.)

WILLS
"I am not young enough to know everything."

O'FLAHERTIE
"True friends stab you in the front."

WILDE
"I can resist everything except temptation."

FINGAL
"The only difference between a sinner and a saint is…"

O'FLAHERTIE
"…Every saint has a past…"

WILLS
"…And every sinner has a future."

OSCAR
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.
Give him a mask, and he will tell the truth."

O'FLAHERTIE
"We are all of us in the gutter…"

SPERANZA
"…But some of us are looking up at the stars."

(Enter WINCE, our majordomo of the evening, holding a clipboard. SLOUCH wanders on behind them, taking in the theatre.)

WINCE
(Very stiffly.) Good evening, gentles all.

SLOUCH
Welcome to the theat-RE.

WINCE
Excuse me?

SLOUCH
I say it with the R-E to be more sophisticated.

WINCE
(Moving on.) Tonight, we celebrate the work of —

OSCAR
Oscar
FINGAL
Fingal
O'FLAHERTIE
O'Flahertie
WILLS
Wills
WILDE
Wilde.

OSCAR
The poet,
FINGAL
playwright,
O'FLAHERTIE
novelist, and
WILLS
lover of…
WILDE
Green carnations.

(All the WILDES pull out a green carnation and pin it to their lapels.)

SLOUCH
Green carnations? That's a little queer, isn't it?

OSCAR
You have no idea.

O'FLAHERTIE
When the lights are low
OSCAR
And the door's shut tight
SPERANZA
You can take your space
O'FLAHERTIE, OSCAR & SPERANZA
You can find your light

WINCE
Slouch!

SLOUCH
I'm sorry, but it's all so wonderful!

WINCE
As it's meant to be. Stop gawping and come along.

SLOUCH
Oh oh.
WILDE
With its style genteel
FINGAL
And its manners mild
WILLS
Comes the gayest lark
WILDES
From the pen of Wilde.

SLOUCH
I feel like that's meant to say something.

WINCE
It did. But you aren't.

OSCAR
Life is what you make it.
SPERANZA
If the shoe fits,
OSCAR & SPERANZA
Break it in.

WILDES
No one will know
If it's your makeup or your natural glow.

WINCE
(Shouted.) Let's go!

WILDES
Become, become,
Become yourself.
FINGAL
The world is waiting for your self.
O'FLAHERTIE
You're making rainbows from yourself.
WILDES
Become, become
Yeah, ev'ryone,
Become, become,
Become yourself.

WINCE
Tonight, we present Wilde's masterwork.

(FINGAL and O'FLAHERTIE unfurl the banner — "The Importance of Being ErnXst.")

ALL
The Importance of Being…

(The scene comes to a halt as everyone tries to understand the typo.)

WINCE
Slouch!

SLOUCH
What did I do?

WINCE
The sign reads "The importance of being 'Ernixst'"? "Ernext"?
One barely knows how to pronounce the thing without succumbing to the guttural.
Why was I not alerted to this error?

SLOUCH
Oh, because I did it on purpose. You know — X? The unknown. X marks the spot.
(To audience.) Who's Ernest? I don't know. Spooky.

WINCE
Ridiculous. I shall deal with you later. For now, let us proceed.

O'FLAHERTIE
When the tea is poured
In the parlor room,
WILLS
Though the tone is light
Feel the tension loom.

WINCE
The year is 1893, in a fashionable part of London.
We find ourselves in the sitting room of Algy Moncrieff.

WINCE
Such a fashion plate
Oh so dignified
SLOUCH
Hiding gambling debts
With a boast of pride.

ALGY
Oh, I'm so naughty!
Oh, oh!

WILDES
Life is what you make it.
If the shoe fits,
Break it in.
No one will know
SLOUCH
What's behind the mask –
WINCE
Or scenic tableau.
ALL
Oh!

ALGY
Heigh ho!

ALL
Become, become, become yourself.
The world is waiting for your self.
You're making rainbows from yourself.
ALL (EXCEPT FINGAL)
Become become
Become, become, yeah
Become.
Ev'ryone, become.

JAX
Become yourself.

O'FLAHERTIE
Enter Ernest Worthing, a young person of excellent character,

SPERANZA
…if slightly faulty pedigree.

SLOUCH
But oh so dreamy.

JAX
That's very sweet, but I'm merely myself.

WINCE
Or that's what you'd like us to think. Come along, Slouch.

ALL
A costume drama set
In eighteen ninety-three
Opens up the world
Of who we used to be.
The dresses and the suits,
Victorian and queer.
Our lies belie a truth
That's hiding
Under the veneer.

WINCE
We present this paragon of wit, satire…

SLOUCH
And the course of true love!

ALL
Time for the show to start.

WINCE
Places, everyone!

ALL
Play your part

SLOUCH
Take up your trays!

WINCE
Lights up! Look smart!
ALL
Become, become, become yourself.
The world is waiting for your self.
You're making rainbows from yourself.
Become, become
Now, ev'ryone –
WINCE
Well, not ev'ryone –
ALL
Oh yes! Ev'ryone!
WILDES
Become, become
Become, become,
Become yourself
Oh become yourself.
The world is waiting
For your self.
ALL
You're making rainbows from yourself.

ALL
Become,

WINCE
Smiles always bright.
Pinkies always out.
SLOUCH
(Looks at sandwiches on tray.)
Sandwiches always…cucumber?

OSCAR & FINGAL
Become,
Become…
ALL (EXCEPT OSCAR & FINGAL)
Become,
Become…
WINCE
The importance of being…

ALL
Yourself!
Oh oh.

WINCE
And scene!

ALGY
Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury!
They're some of the most fun I have!

ALGY
See I dropped by a dance last night,
Left my card
With a note
For the host
Stole a glance,
Stole a dance,
I do fancy a champagne toast.
ALGY, WILLS & WILDE
Then the night
Could begin.
ALGY
Au revoir.

ALGY, WILLS & WILDE
Hello sin.
ALGY
I'm a knave.
So I'll save the rest for my memoir.
The rumor mill starts churning
SPERANZA
So you need a proper cover.
ALGY
The social set is yearning
For the scandal
Of a life or lover
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Throw your hands up
The world'll hang on
ALGY
Can't keep up with the socials.
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Bang on!
Flagrantly flout
The rules on display.
ALGY
Can't keep up with the socials.
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Hey, hey,
Uh-uh-uh-oh,
ALGY
Can't keep up with the socials
Today

ALGY
You see, with Bunbury, I can maintain the good graces of society
while allowing myself the freedom to do anything I please!

JAX
I am a serious person, Algy. And serious people don't need a Bunbury.
Especially when they plan to marry.

ALGY
Marriage is the perfect time for a Bunbury!
You don't seem to realize that in married life, three is company and two is none.

WILDE
What's four?

ALGY
Just getting started!

ALGY
When the world tries to pin you down
On the hook
JAX
Your black book
Is too thick?
ALGY
You demur
JAX
You flâneur?
ALGY
I defer to my fake sidekick.
BUNBURYING PALS
It's the trick.
ALGY
Have an out,
Have some fun.

BUNBURYING PALS
Hit and run.
ALGY
Exit game.
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Gotta blame your
Farewell on someone.
JAX
The rumor mill starts churning
ALGY
Time to make an Irish exit?
JAX
The social set is yearning
ALGY
And a little too much candor wrecks it.
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Throw your hands up,
The world'll hang on
JAX
Can't keep up with the socials.
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Bang on,
Flagrantly flout
The rules on display.
ALGY & JAX
Can't keep up with the socials.
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Hey, hey,
Uh-uh-uh-oh,
ALGY, JAX & BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep up with the socials
Today.
BUNBURYING PALS
Hey, hey, hey,
Hey, hey, hey

OSCAR
Fancy high tea at five?
ALGY
But my friend's just arrived!
BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep up!
WILLS
I've a box at the op'ra
ALGY
My friend's in the vodka.
BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep up!
FINGAL
Can we meet for croquet?
ALGY
My friend's birthday's today!
WILDE
We could grill
ALGY
My friend's ill.
SPERANZA
Poker game?
ALGY
He's gone lame!
BUNBURYING PALS
You're too kind!
ALGY
I'm resigned.
Plus it gets me out of ev'ry
Bind!
BUNBURYING PALS
The rumor mill starts churning
ALGY
Little birdies have to twitter.
BUNBURYING PALS
The social set is turning
ALGY
Bottom's up before their swill gets bitter.

ALGY
Why be so many people, when there's so much fun to be had as yourself!

BUNBURYING PALS
Throw your hands up,
The world'll hang on
Can't keep up with the socials.
ALGY
Crack on,
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Faffing about,
Get carried away.
JAX
Can't keep up!
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep up
Can't keep –
WILDES
Throw your hands up
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
The world'll hang on
BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep up with the socials.
ALGY
Bang on!
BUNBURYING PALS
Flagrantly flout
The rules on display.
ALGY
Hey, hey, hey.
Can't keep up with the
Hey, hey, hey.
Socials.
Hey, hey,
Uh-uh-uh-oh,
Can't keep up with the
Socials.

BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep up
ALGY & BUNBURYING PALS
Can't keep can't keep up
Today!

JAX
Some would say
A man’s face is their autobiography
A woman’s face is their work of fiction
And my face – my face – my face is…
On a wider spectrum
Neither either or
Chasing something true
Barely shining through
Following an instinct to an unmarked door,
To a wider spectrum
Hardly even seen
Slinking in so thin
Warming up the skin
Proving there’s a world within what’s in between

JAX
But if you open that little window
Come on and open that little window

WILDES
Some would say
Come on and open
A man’s life is their
Like a rainbow
Total autonomy
A woman’s life is a
Contradiction
And my life – my life –
My life is…
On a wider spectrum
Stretching out a hand
Reaching for a sky
Dreaming I can fly
Somewhere I can meet someone who’ll
Understand.
And if I open like a
Rainbow
JAX
And if I open like a
Rainbow
If I could open like a
Rainbow
If I could open like a
Rainbow
Will someone open
Like a rainbow
Will someone open
Like a rainbow
Come on and
Open like a rainbow –
To me
To laugh, to leap,
To rush in like a tide
With me
To brace, to breathe,
To blush in the
Ever expanding
Ever wi-I-ider spectrum
What a world to see!
What could be may be.
Every pedigree
All of us still aching
Stretching out and waking
All set free.
WILDES
And we can open like
A rainbow
JAX
The world can open
Will someone open like
Like a rainbow
A rainbow with me?
And we can open like
Will someone open like
A like a rainbow
A rainbow with me?
The world can open
Someone open like a
Like a rainbow
Rainbow
Open like a rainbow

JAX
Open like a rainbow

GWYN
It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It produces vibrations.

GWYN
Love by any other name, dear one,
Is it even love at all?
WILDES
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
GWYN
Like a moth drawn to a flame, dear one,
When I say your name, I fall.
WILDES
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
GWYN & WILDES
Written in the stars
GWYN
I was meant to find you.
GWYN & WILDES
Anywhere you are,
I'll be there by you.
GWYN
I feel new
GWYN & WILDES
Vibrations under my skin.
GWYN
I feel
GWYN & WILDES
A new heat settlin' in
I'm in
GWYN
Earnest, earnest,
GWYN & WILDES
Earnest love.
O'FLAHERTIE
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
GWYN
Earnest earnest
GWYN & WILDES
Earnest love
WILLS
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.

JAX
But what of the name Jax?

GWYN
Jax?

WILDES
Jax?!!

(The music stops.)

GWYN
No, there is very little music in the name Jax.
It produces absolutely no vibrations.

JAX
None at all?

WILDES
None!

GWYN
The only really safe name is Ernest.

WILDES
Ernest.

JAX
Call me anything you want, sweetheart.
I'm a jack of any trade
WILDES
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
GWYN
Only one name for my love, sweetheart
Every other's a charade.
WILDES
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
JAX & GWYN
Written in the stars.
I was meant to find you.
Anywhere you are
I'll be there by you.
JAX
I feel new
JAX & WILDES
Vibrations under my skin.
GWYN
I feel
GWYN & WILDES
A new heat settlin' in.
I'm in
JAX
Earnest, earnest,
JAX, GWYN & WILDES
Earnest love.
GWYN
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.
JAX & GWYN
Earnest, earnest,
JAX, GWYN & WILDES
Earnest love.
JAX
Whoa-oh-oh-oh.

JAX & WILDES
Take my hand,
Earnest, earnest,
Earnest love.
GWYN
And get down on one knee when you propose!
JAX
You mean now?
Just propose to you right now?
GWYN
Only if you want a perfect rose.
WILDES
Here's your chance!
This is happening right now!

WILDES
Ring?

JAX
Yes!
WILDES
Flowers?

JAX
Yes!
WILDES
Ready?
GWYN
Yes!
JAX
Will you?
GWYN
Yes!
JAX
Marry me?
ALL (EXCEPT JAX)
Yes! Yes! Yes!

WILDES
Written in the stars.
I was meant to find you.
Anywhere you are
I'll be there by you.

GWYN
I feel new
Vibrations under my skin.
JAX
I feel
The new heat settlin' in.
GWYN, JAX & WILDES
We're in
Earnest, earnest, earnest love
GWYN
Woah-oh-oh-oh.
JAX
Woah-oh-oh-oh.
GWYN, JAX & WILDES
Earnest, earnest, earnest love
GWYN
Woah-oh-oh-oh.
JAX
Woah-oh-oh-oh.
WILDES
Woah-oh-oh-oh.
GWYN
Love by any other name, dear one.
Is it really love at all?
JAX & WILDES
Woah-oh-oh-oh.

LADY BRACKNELL
Now to our darker purpose. You may be seated, Ernest Worthing.

JAX
Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer to stand.

LADY BRACKNELL
I shall sit amongst my antecedents.
Family being the only true wealth in this world.

JAX
So I have been told, Lady Bracknell.

LADY BRACKNELL
Yes, by myself. Just now.

LADY BRACKNELL
Born to be
Envied.
You know this grade of sass won't quit.
I love it.
I need the drama of it.
I'm a classic.
I got more stock than my estate.
You wanted total candor,
My style is more meander.
Make. You. Wait.
Leisure's my suit,
Time is no object.
Still at the root
You have no prospects.
Charmed though I am,
Your unbridled hope is quaint.
PORTRAITS
Cuz honey you ain't
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.
PORTRAITS
Sing it again.
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.
ALL
Cuz we know when
LADY BRACKNELL
You're
ALL
Born with it.
LADY BRACKNELL
I got my grandmother's nose
For the stench of the climb.
You got a nobody nose
From an unknown line.
PORTRAITS
Survey says:
LADY BRACKNELL
"Not born with it."
PORTRAITS
Louder for the mezz.
LADY BRACKNELL
"Not born with it."
PORTRAITS
No-no-no no
LADY BRACKNELL
You got a nobody nose.
PORTRAITS
No-no-no nose
LADY BRACKNELL
Nobody knows

LADY BRACKNELL
So, Worthing, you are not on my list of eligible partners
for my dearest Gwyn, and I have the very same list as the Duchess of Bolton.
However, I am prepared to enter your name, should your answers be what
a really affectionate mother requires. How old are you?

JAX
Twenty-five.

LADY BRACKNELL
I have always been of the opinion that one who desires to get married
should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know?

JAX
I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.

LADY BRACKNELL
Good. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit —
touch it and the bloom is gone. What is your income?

JAX
Between seven and eight thousand a year.

LADY BRACKNELL
You have a townhouse, I hope?
Someone with such an unspoiled nature, as Gwyn,
could hardly be expected to reside solely in the country.

JAX
I own a house in Belgrave Square.

LADY BRACKNELL
What number in Belgrave Square?

JAX
One forty-nine.

LADY BRACKNELL
The unfashionable side. Tell me of your parents.

JAX
I have lost both my parents.

LADY BRACKNELL
To lose one parent, Ernest Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune;
to lose both looks like carelessness.

LADY BRACKNELL
Your past is
Baggage.
No doubt the brand is counterfeit.
No merit.
The meek will not inherit
Any diamonds.
You can't turn water into wine.
And now you want to sell it?
Well come in close I'll tell it:
You're moonshine.
PORTRAITS
We're readin' the sign!

LADY BRACKNELL
"Not born with it."
PORTRAITS
Sing it in French.
LADY BRACKNELL
Ne enfant aise!
PORTRAITS
Back on the bench!
LADY BRACKNELL
I'm born with it.
PORTRAITS
She's got her grandmother's taste
For the family wine.
You got a nobody face
From an unknown line.
LADY BRACKNELL
Never doubt
PORTRAITS
She's born with it
LADY BRACKNELL
But no need to shout
ALL
I'm born with it
PORTRAITS
No-no-no no

LADY BRACKNELL
And this misplaced father of yours; who was he?

JAX
I am afraid I don't really know.
The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents.
It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me…
I don't actually know who I am by birth. I was…well found.

PORTRAIT #3
Found?

JAX
The late dear Thomas Cardew, a wise and wonderful person
with a very charitable disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing,
because they happened to have a first-class ticket to Worthing in their pocket
at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort.

LADY BRACKNELL
And just where did this charitable ticket-holder find you?

JAX
In a handbag.

PORTRAIT #1
A handbag?

PORTRAIT #3
A handbag!

LADY BRACKNELL
A handbag?!?

JAX
Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag —
a somewhat large, black leather handbag with handles on it —
an ordinary handbag —

LADY BRACKNELL
In what locality was this "ordinary handbag" to be found?

JAX
At the cloak room of Victoria Station.

LADY BRACKNELL
Thus my choice is made for me. Ernest Worthing,
how could you imagine that I would ever allow my dearest Gwyn
to be joined in matrimony to nothing more than a parcel.
You have no family, a name of convenience —
why one doesn't even know if you're British.

JAX
I assure you, I am.

LADY BRACKNELL
So you say…

LADY BRACKNELL
Your ratty bag
Is your own bus'ness
Riches to rags
Will not buy kisses
Though to be fair,
I'm moved by your heartfelt bid…
PORTRAITS
But heaven forbid!
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it.
PORTRAITS
Breakin' it down!
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it.
PORTRAITS
Get out of town!
LADY BRACKNELL
I'm born with it!

JAX
But Lady Bracknell, please.

LADY BRACKNELL & PORTRAITS
I got my
She's got her
Grandmother's nose
For the stench of
The climb.
LADY BRACKNELL
You got a –

LADY BRACKNELL
Actually, could you just come a bit closer — well. Hm. Interesting. Yes…

LADY BRACKNELL
You got a nobody nose!
PORTRAITS
Nobody nose!
LADY BRACKNELL
Nobody knows

PORTRAITS
Maybe she's,
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.

CECILE
Run out to the wilds of these uncharted woods,
Out where you can hide from these unholy rules.
Brand spanking new, babe,
Breathe in that cold air.
Head to the forest,
See what you find there.

CECILE
Writing down the certain truth that spins from
Lies.
Scribble down the words most sure to scandalize.
Dare like a devil
And make an art of it.
Shoot like an arrow
Straight to the heart of it.
Write it all down
So you never forget,
Never forget. Mm
Write it all down
So you never forget,
Never forget.
Life could start right now.
Out here, out here, out here
The fields are endless,
The trees are endless.
Out here, out here, out here
You’re running breathless,
Ever-restless
Praying that something will appear.
Is anyone else out here?

CECILE
Break out from the ties that bind behind four
Walls

CECILE
Freeing up the mind that winds in sudden squalls.
Shine like you’re burning
To light a bonfire.
Chasing a vision
That sets your sights higher.
Write it all down
So you never forget,
Never forget.
Write it all down
So you never forget,
Never forget.
Secure your fate right now.
Out here, out here, out here
The words are endless,
The pages endless.
Out here, out here, out here
You’re running breathless,
Ever-restless
Praying that something will appear.
Is anyone else out here?
Ready, set, go
Done with daydreaming.
Ready to know
Who can hear me screaming.
Out here, out here, out here

CECILE
The hours are endless.
The days are endless
Out here, out here, out here

CECILE
I’m running breathless
Ever-restless
Wonders never cease.
Daydreams can appear.
Something will release.
This will be my year.
Life will find me way out here.

ALGY
How strange, that having just met, we know each other so well.

CECILE
If I say I need a villain for my latest passion play.
ALGY
If I say I'll need a twirly moustache and an attaché
CECILE
If I say I'm down for that –
ALGY
I'll meet your dreams halfway.
CECILE
Will you go wild
ALGY
Wild?
CECILE
Wild with me?
ALGY
If I say a sudden bit of scandal leaves me
Indisposed –
CECILE
Then I say a little bit of drama keeps us on our
Toes –
ALGY
If I swear to speak in couplets
CECILE
Darling, I'll propose.
ALGY
Then I'll go wild
CECILE
Wild,
ALGY & CECILE
Wild
CECILE
For you.
Follow my lead
ALGY
You follow mine
CECILE
Make a big scene.
ALGY
Feed me my line.
ALGY & CECILE
And where it ends
No one can say
ALGY
But I'll choose you every day.
CECILE
If I say I'm hot to tango, will you glide me 'cross
The floor?
ALGY
If I say the thrill is in the chase, will you run for
The door?
CECILE
If I say I crave adventure –
ALGY
Sign me up for more
Of going wild.
CECILE
Wild
ALGY & CECILE
Wild
With you.

ALGY
This is all moving so quickly.

CECILE
Oh, I don't think so. Considering we've been engaged since last February —

ALGY
We have? But we've only just met today.

CECILE
Yes, in life. But in my diary, we have been engaged for months.

ALGY
You're a little kooky, aren't you?

CECILE
Li'l bit.

ALGY & CECILE
If I say I never knew another soul would see my
Charms.
CECILE
If I say I'll always ask consent 'cause asking never
Harms.
ALGY
If you say you'd like to hold me,
ALGY & CECILE
I'll fall in your arms

ALGY
That would be wild
CECILE
Wild
ALGY & CECILE
Wild
CECILE
It's true.

ALGY
Still we begin

CECILE
On with the dance,

ALGY & CECILE
Don't call it love
Don't call it romance
Call it
Wild

ALGY
Wild
CECILE
Wild
ALGY & CECILE
Me and you.

CECILE
It's getting
Wild, wild, wild
Out here.

WINCE
And now, we come to the main event. Wildes! To your stations!

SLOUCH
What's happening? I haven't read this bit yet.

WINCE
Welcome, gentles all, to the crowning achievement
of a civil and polite society. The High English Tea.

WINCE
The height of grace, the triumph of style,
The cream of society linger awhile
Over pots of hot tea,
We come to this epitome
Of dignity and decorum
Where our two loves may find a forum…

SLOUCH
(Having read ahead.) Oh wait, they're having tea together,
but they both think they're in love with —

WINCE
Enough, Slouch. This is all a comedic farce,
and one of its hallmarks is mistaken identities.

SLOUCH
But we all know who they are.

WINCE
Yes, but they don't. And that's half the fun.

WINCE
The hallmark of the English Tea
Is style, grace and civility.
And with these contenders,
We find no offenders
Of anything uncouth…

SLOUCH
(Aside.) Or anyone knowing the truth.

WINCE
This is a High English Tea.

SLOUCH
Sounds like a fight to me!

WILDES
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.

WINCE
No, no, NO! You have all taken liberties enough!
This is the pinnacle of comedic style from our dear Oscar Wilde.
And that is why we're here, isn't it? Isn't it?

WINCE
Compose yourselves as
I present at once
M. Cecile Cardew,
Such an English rose.

SLOUCH
Just as thorny.

WINCE
Here, we have the mild
Gwyn Fairfax
SLOUCH
Will it come ever to blows?
WINCE
Don't be orn'ry.

GWYN
May I call you Cecile?
CECILE
Yes, may I call you Gwyn?
WILDES
Mm-mm-mm
WINCE
This is going swimmingly.
SLOUCH
But neither will win.
WILDES
Mm-mm-mm

GWYN
You are here on a visit, one imagines.

CECILE
Oh, no, I live here.

GWYN
With your mother or some other relative of advanced years, one hopes?

CECILE
Well, there is Prism, my tutor, but it's mostly just myself
and my dear guardian Worthing.

GWYN
What?

CECILE
I'm dear Worthing's ward.
GWYN
I will eat my hat.
SLOUCH
Cecile scored one for that
SLOUCH & WILDES
That that
That's the tea.
WILDES
That's the tea
That's a hot
Pot of tea
Let it spill
Where it will.
HIGH VOICES
We gotta
Tea fight
OSCAR
Subtle doubt
And they crack.
WILLS & SPERANZA
First they pout
Then attack.
WILDES
Come on and
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.

WINCE
You're goading them into something untoward.
These are cultured and dignified young people,
who would never resort to any sort of fisticuffs. Isn't that right?

CECILE
No! Never!

GWYN
The thought never entered my mind.

WINCE
Then shall I pour?

GWYN
So dear Ernest is your guardian.
I can't imagine why they didn't mention that. Or you…

CECILE
I beg your pardon, but did you say Ernest?
Oh, but it is not Ernest Worthing who is my guardian.

GWYN
Oh, that is a relief.

CECILE
Ernest Worthing is my fiancée!

WILDES
Ernest.

GWYN
My dearest Cecile,
You make some mistake
For Ernest Worthing
Is engaged to me.

WINCE
Kindly stay seated.
CECILE
I'm afraid you're wrong,
M. Fairfax,
For I am their spouse to be.
SLOUCH
It's getting heated!

GWYN
That is very curious.
CECILE
My journal confirms.

GWYN
I too keep a journal.

GWYN & CECILE
There! In black and white terms!

GWYN
I have prior claim!
CECILE
Darling, don't get shrill!
WINCE
Keep it tame or you'll
WINCE & WILDES
Spill! Spill!
Spill the tea
WILDES
That's the tea
SLOUCH
That could scald.
Third degree.
WILDES
Let it spill
Where it will.
HIGH VOICES
We gotta
Tea fight
O'FLAHERTIE
Hair's uncoiffed.
WILDE
We are rapt.
OSCAR
Gloves are off.
OSCAR, O'FLAHERTIE & WILDE
Nerves have snapped.
WILDES
Come on and
Tea fight! Tea fight!

WINCE
More tea?

GWYN
Yes. Please.

WILDES
Tea fight! Tea fight!

CECILE
Sugar?

GWYN
Sugar is not fashionable any longer.
Perhaps, if you lived in town you would know that.

CECILE
Some cake?

GWYN
Bread and butter. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses in town.

CECILE
No cake and no manners, I must write that down.

CECILE
I was not raised in a gutter.
GWYN
Cake makes my whole body shudder.
CECILE
Since you so love bread and butter!

WINCE
Oh dear. This has gotten intensely out of hand.

GWYN
Since cake sets your heart aflutter!

WILDES
Hmm-ya!
That's the tea!
That's as hot
As can be.
Let it spill
Where it will.
CECILE & GWYN
We got
A
CECILE, GWYN & WILDES
Tea fight
CECILE & GWYN
Now!
WILDES
That's the tea.
That's the tea
That's as hot
As can be
Let it spill
Where it will.
LOW VOICES
We gotta
Tea fight
Why be nice?
LOW VOICES
Why pretend?
Why not slice
And offend?
Let all that rage out.
Let the bourgeoisie fight wage out.
Never let the tea fight –

JAX
I'm so sorry, Gwyn. I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry, that I'm not your Ernest.

GWYN
You're not. The Ernest I've known has been always a kind, caring and generous person.
And the same could be said of dear Jax Worthing —
or so my dear friend Cecile told me just moments ago.
So why would a wonderful person like that have to resort to this kind of duplicity?

WILDES
The words I spoke,
Clever to a fault,
Pushed you into lies.

WILDES
Absurd demands,
Rubbing in like salt,
Stinging as I clung to your disguise.

GWYN
So there's no Ernest at all?

JAX
None. Just me. I'm sorry. I'm merely one person, who has let you down very badly.

GWYN
But why?

JAX
Well, my dearest Gwyn, you see, I thought I needed to be your Ernest.
And Cecile's Jax. And whoever else's anyone — so I could be of use to everyone.

GWYN
And what of you? The "you" you truly are?
What use can you be to anyone, when you aren't honest about who you are?
It's you, that I want to know. You, that I want to love.

GWYN
I see you now
Multitudes of you,
Beautiful and brave.
Don't push me out
Let me stay with you.
Let's read the writing in the cave.
GWYN & WILDES
I'm waiting,
Listening
For anything that needs christening
WILDES
As patient as a prince
Under a spell.
Love love
Tell me what to call
Love
You.
Tell me what to call you.
GWYN
Whisper if you like.
WILDES
Love
Leave the door cracked open
GWYN
Leave the door cracked open
GWYN & WILDES
Quieter than night
GWYN
Let me hold what's heavy,
WILDES
Let me hold what's heavy.
GWYN & WILDES
Warm me with your flame.
WILDES
Tell me what to
Tell me,
Call you,
Love.
By any name.

JAX
I want to be your Ernest.

GWYN
You already are.

JAX
Afraid to break
Boundaries I set.
JAX & WILDES
Walk outside the lines.
GWYN
You're safe with me,
Never need to fret.
WILDES
Leave what you need
Leave love undefined.
To undefined.

JAX
Dearest Gwyn, please know that my deception was only meant —

GWYN
To protect me from the truth. I assure you, I need no protection.

WILDES
Love, love
Could you be what
Love
I need?
Could the spell be
Broken?
No more lies, no
Disguise.
Love out in the open.
GWYN
Tell me what to
Love
Call you.
WILDES
Tell me what to call you.
GWYN
Whisper if you like.
JAX & WILDES
Love
GWYN & WILDES
Leave the door cracked open
JAX
No more lies, no disguise.
GWYN & WILDES
Quieter than night.
JAX
Love out in the open.
GWYN
Let me hold what's heavy
JAX
All my fears need tending
GWYN & WILDES
Warm me with your flame.
JAX
In a happy ending
Tell me what
Tell me
If I trust this
To call you,
Blush of
Love
Love.
Love
ALL
Love by any name.

LADY BRACKNELL
Hell or high water..
A mother's love cannot be matched.
Devotion.
Enough to fill an ocean.
Do not cross me.
My progeny will not be snatched.
You think you'll marry?
That won't be necessary.
You're no catch.
PORTRAITS
We know that you're not
LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it
PORTRAITS
You got diddly-squat
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it

GWYN
I am engaged, Mamma. To Jax Worthing!

LADY BRACKNELL & PORTRAITS
No no no no

GWYN
But Mamma!

LADY BRACKNELL
Gwyn, sit!

PORTRAITS
Face the facts!
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it.
PORTRAITS
Getting the axe!
LADY BRACKNELL
Not born with it.
PORTRAITS
She's got her grandmother's taste
For the family wine.
You got a nobody face.
LADY BRACKNELL
And I got a kick-line!
PORTRAITS
Bring out the cake

LADY BRACKNELL
Born with it.
PORTRAITS
Shimmy and shake!
Born with it.

LADY BRACKNELL
What do you think you're doing here???

PORTRAITS
Born –

ALGY
Oh, hello Aunt Augusta. (Suddenly panicked.) Aunt Augusta!

LADY BRACKNELL
Twenty-five years ago you left Lord Bracknell's house in charge
of a perambulator that contained a very precious babe.
With this child, you never returned. Prism, where is that child?

SLOUCH
(Finding the page.) Oh yes —

ALL
The baby!
SLOUCH
What?!
ALL
The baby!

SLOUCH
The baby.
What a –
WILDES
Shhh-shame!
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh-shame!

SLOUCH
The one I lost. Twenty-five years ago, on my way to the park.

SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh…

LADY BRACKNELL
(Interrupting.) Well, Prism, elucidate.

SLOUCH
No thanks, I'm not hungry. But I will sing. C major, please.

LADY BRACKNELL
Oh for heaven's sake.

SLOUCH
In my younger days, I lived-in
As a nursemaid to the rich.
I recall that London morning.
It was sunny for a switch.
I got out the baby buggy
And a bitty baby stole
And I took my bonny baby
For a bitty baby stroll.

WILLS
Allo, Governor!

OSCAR
Pip-Pip! Cheerio!

WILDES
The baby
The baby
The ba–a–aby

SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh …
WILDE SOLOIST
(As the baby.) Wahhhh!
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh …
WILDE SOLOIST
(As Eliza Doolittle.) Flowers for sale!
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhhhhhhhh…
WILDE SOLOIST
Fancy a spotted dick?
WILDES
Shame…

SLOUCH
Bitty baby was so happy
Just to lie in buggy bliss.
Goo goo ga ga,
Off to sleepy time
With no more than a kiss.
So I sat down with my handbag
And my eye upon the child
And I opened up the fairy tales —
Of dear ol' Oscar Wilde.

SPERANZA
Oh oh.
WILLS
Oh oh.
WILDE
Oh oh.

WILDES
"Above the city stood
A statue of a prince"
SLOUCH
Become…
WILDES
"Children in the garden
Play beneath the quince."

WILDES
The language set apart
Victorian and queer,
Exposed a beating heart
That echoed
A voice ringing clear

SLOUCH
The castles and the roses
WILDES
Here
SLOUCH
The giants and the noses
WILDES
Here…

SLOUCH
The hijinks and the sly winks
And the wildness Wilde exposes –
WILDES
Ah

LADY BRACKNELL
Slouch!!
The baby!
SLOUCH
The baby????
WILDES
The baby!!!
What a

SLOUCH
No need for you yelling it
I'm getting to the telling it!
WILDES
Shhh…
Shame!

SLOUCH
The fairy tales had spun their web
And time began to slip.
As the thunder clouds exploded
Into dribble dribble drip.

ENSEMBLE
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.

WILDE SOLOIST
Raining in England?!

FINGAL
Who could believe it?

SLOUCH
In the melee of the rain day
I was waylaid from the pram
As the deluge and the chaos spread
From here to Buckingham!

SLOUCH & WILDES
What a shhh–
Shame
What a shhh–
Shame
What a –

WILDE
(As baby.) Wahhhh!

WILDES
Shhh…
What a –

WILDE SOLOIST
Wahhhh!

WILDES
What a shame

SLOUCH
Bitty baby! Where was baby?!
And where was the missing pram?
LADY BRACKNELL
The baby…
SLOUCH
I could never face m' Lady,
So this nursemaid better scram.
LADY BRACKNELL
The baby…

SLOUCH
For somehow the baby
Is lost in the shuffle.
The ruffles of fabric
Were lost in the sea
Of rubber galoshes
That slosh and umbrellas
That hustle and bustle
To afternoon tea.
I hurried myself
To Victoria Station,
I purchased a ticket
One-way to the moors.
Donned the facade of a
Cranky old tutor
Who hates all the
Drama her tutee
Explores.

WILDES
(Under Slouch.)
Drip
Drip
Drip
Drip
Oh
Oh

WILDES
What?
WILDE SOLOIST
Shhhh
WILDES
(Quiet.)
What a –

SLOUCH
Such is the bus'ness
Of story devices
While plotting a farce
That depends on a name.
Hijinks and hoodwinks
And all kinds of vices,
For breaking with norms
Is a dangerous game.

WILDES
(Counter to Slouch.)
Shame
Shame!

SLOUCH & WILDES
Ask Oscar Wilde
And he'll tell you same!

WILDE
What?

SLOUCH
Famous and infamous,
Dashing and dangerous —
What an unbearable
Tale of terrible
Shame!

WINCE
This man was a genius. This man was ahead of his time.
We can't perform this crowning achievement of Oscar Wilde's
with all this nincompoopery!

SLOUCH
We're trying to honor the man, but also honor ourselves.
Why can't we do both?

JAX
We've been doing both this whole time.
I thought to please all, I had to be all.
But we cannot be all. We must be only ourselves.

WINCE
But you cannot alter this work, this masterpiece.
The author would never approve.

SLOUCH
Well, why don't we ask them?

(OSCAR and WILDE step forward, with all the WILDES behind them.)

OSCAR
We're Oscar
FINGAL
Fingal
O'FLAHERTIE
O'Flaherty
WILLS
Wills
WILDE
Wilde — the author of this charming play.

WINCE
All of you?

WILDES
Yes

ALGY & WINCE
On a wide–
CECILE & GWYN
On a wide–
SLOUCH
On a wide–
OSCAR & FINGAL
On a wide–
O'FLAHERTIE & WILLS
On a wide–
WILDE & SPERANZA
On a wide–
ALL
–Er spectrum
JAX
Nothing's out of range.

SLOUCH
This is the complete works of Oscar Wilde. And so much more happens.

WINCE
Yes, to the author, but not in the play.

JAX
Truths can coexist.
SLOUCH
Fairytales can shift.
JAX & SLOUCH
We can play it by the book and make it strange.
WILDES
What if it opens like a rainbow?

WINCE
Surely we can separate one's life away from one's art.

JAX
That seems a little difficult, Wince,
when one's art is one's life at the present.

SLOUCH
My dear Wince, the great appeal of theatre is that it is a living, breathing thing.

WILDES
The play can open like a rainbow –
JAX
Oh the play can open like a rainbow –

(The music becomes drier, sparse.)

WINCE
But we are doing this specific play.

SLOUCH
Yes, but in our specific way. In our specific time.
Honoring both the play and the person who wrote it.

O'FLAHERTIE
He'd be so surprised to know we'd been doing the play at all.

SLOUCH
Just a few weeks after his play opened, Oscar Wilde was arrested.

WILDES
Shhh…

SLOUCH
For the great sin of being exactly who he was.

GWYN
And loving exactly who he loved.

WILDES
Shhh…

WINCE
Yes, and that is a tragedy. But this play is not a tragedy.
This play is…

WILDES
Shhh…
Mmm

SLOUCH
A masterwork, as you say, Wince.
One of the greatest plays the world has ever known.
And yet, poor dear Oscar never got to know any of that success.

ALGY
Oh my dear, why?

WILDES
Shhh…

SLOUCH
He was sentenced to two years hard labour.

FINGAL
Prisoner C-33.

WILDES
…Shame

OSCAR
"In Reading Jail, by Reading Town, there is a pit of…"

WILDES
Shhh…

OSCAR
Two years later, he was dead in a rented room in Paris.

WILDE
"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do."

SLOUCH
Even to the end, his wit remained.

WINCE
But it's the wit these people have come to see. The wit you were meant to produce.

SLOUCH
Well, how lucky for them and for us that we can give them all this truth with it.
We're not destroying the world of Oscar Wilde —
we're opening him up to ours.

WILDES
So small and short
There's a wider spectrum

SLOUCH
Wince, we live in a world beyond Wilde's dreams.

WILDES
Wider than we knew.

WILDE
(To Wince.) You lose nothing in my being me,
but perhaps gain the freedom to know you can be you as well.

WINCE
Is that Wilde?

SLOUCH
No. But it sounds like them, doesn't it?

WILDES
Lies sometimes reveal
Something that's more real,
JAX
Something you don't dare admit
JAX & WILDES
Until it's true.

WILDE
To love one's self is to begin a lifelong romance.

WILDES
The play can open like a rainbow

WINCE
Yes. I see —

LADY BRACKNELL
What?? What does everyone see???

LADY BRACKNELL
This is preposterous! To think that I, the seminal lead of this piece…

ALGY
Oh Aunt Augusta, you are not.

LADY BRACKNELL
Everyone comes for Lady Bracknell, and you know it!

WINCE
I'm sorry, Jax, I see now that I was trying to hold on to something…

JAX
Before you say it
Before we tie the loose ends.
Hang in the balance,
Before we make amends.
We are, I am, you are worthy –

LADY BRACKNELL
(Protesting.) We are here to discuss marriage and respectability —
love has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

ALGY
I think that's where you're wrong, Lady Bracknell… Love is at the root of it all.

SLOUCH
Or must be.

GWYN
Maybe we marry
JAX
Maybe we're gonna live that bliss.
GWYN
Maybe we part ways
GWYN & JAX
But let's hold on to this.
JAX
We are, I am, you are worthy.
GWYN & JAX
We are
JAX
I am
GWYN
You are
GWYN & JAX
Worthy
JAX
Worthy of love.
GWYN & JAX
Worthy of love.

WINCE
If we cling too tightly to who we were —

SLOUCH
we'll never give ourselves enough room to grow into who we are.

JAX & CECILE
Keep your confession
Tied in a tidy bow.
There's no confession
That takes in what I know
CECILE & ALGY
We are
CECILE
I am
ALGY
You are worthy
SLOUCH & WINCE
We are
SLOUCH
I am
WINCE
You are
SLOUCH & WINCE
Worthy
JAX, GWYN, ALGY, CECILE, SLOUCH & WINCE
Worthy of love.
JAX & SLOUCH
Worthy
JAX, GWYN, ALGY, CECILE, SLOUCH & WINCE
Worthy of love.
CECILE, GWYN, JAX & SLOUCH
We're all made of the baggage we carry.
Burdened by our buried secrets, but maybe
GWYN & JAX
We are
SLOUCH
I am
JAX, GWYN, ALGY, CECILE, SLOUCH & WINCE
You are worthy
Worthy of love.
WINCE
Worthy,
JAX, GWYN, ALGY, CECILE, SLOUCH & WINCE
Worthy of love.
JAX
We're all just souls trying to survive
JAX, CECILE & WILDES
Lying
WILDES
Ill at ease,
ALL
Until we fling our arms wide
And we arrive
We are, I am, you are worthy
CECILE, GWYN, JAX & SLOUCH
We are all made of baggage we carry.
Burdened by our buried secrets, but
ALL
Maybe
We are, I am, you are worthy,
Worthy of love.
WILDES
We are
JAX
I am
GWYN
You are
ALL
Worthy.

WINCE
(To Jax.) Beg your pardon, but may I borrow your E? To correct the sign.

JAX
I should think you'd leave it. X is the great unknown, is it not?
Let each who seek it find their own way to whatever sort of Ernest they would like to be.

GWYN
I have the best one, anyway.

ALL
X!
WILDES
You are the answer you needed.
ALL
X!
WILDES
You know the universe you hold.
Inside, around planets of grief
In relief,
You are stardust,
ALL
Bright and bold.
SPERANZA
You know
Where you stand
You hold the map
Charting where
You'll land.
X
Marks the spot,
You stand here today,
The path is unknown
But x marks the way back.
X holds your ground
The root where you start to grow.
You can go and return
Because you always know
SOLO VOICE
X
OSCAR, FINGAL, O'FLAHERTIE & WILLS
X marks the spot.

LADY BRACKNELL
Though your courtship has been less than ideal,
I wish you both happiness and health in marriage.

GWYN
Thank you, Mamma.

JAX
Yes, thank you, Mamma.

LADY BRACKNELL
Now that I look at you, I see so clearly your father's nose.
My Gwyn is a very lucky person.

GWYN
I know. I am.

LADY BRACKNELL
Now all that remains is to get you on the right side of Belgrave Square.

ALL
X!
JAX
Your deepest secrets are sacred.
ALL
X!
GWYN
You honor who you choose to tell.
CECILE & GWYN
And then, when you're ready to shine
CECILE
You'll be fine.
CECILE & ALGY
You got stardust
CECILE, ALGY, GWYN & JAX
That's your spell.
SLOUCH
Who knows where you'll land?
ALL
You hold the map.
So it's in your hands.
X marks the spot,
You stand here today,
The path is unknown
But x marks the way back.
X holds your ground
The root where you start to grow.
You can go and return
To the truth that you know
SOLO VOICE
X
ALL
X marks x marks
FINGAL
This is the place where you stand.
Draw a line in the sand.
This is healing.
OSCAR, FINGAL, WILLS & SPERANZA
You're still shaken from how it's
Revealing the lesson you nearly forgot.
WILDES
That no, dear, you are not
The only, the lonely, the silo you thought.
ALL
'Cause surprise,
When you open your eyes –
Look! See!
You never have been,
Never will be again.
You have brethren.
Kin, tight-knit and sewn.
Turns out – no lies –
Turns out – just wide skies!
Turns out –
Turns out – you are not alone.

ALL
X marks the spot,
The stand that you take.
The choice to go on.
The space that you're making.
X holds your ground
It's worn like a battle scar.
You can go and return
'Cause you know who you are.
SOLO VOICE
You know who you are

SOLO VOICE
X marks x marks

GROUP 1
X marks the spot,
You stand here today,
The path is unknown
But
X marks the way back.
X marks the spot,
You stand here today,
The path is unknown
But
X marks the way back.
X marks the spot,
X marks the spot,
GROUP 2
Become
Oh become
X marks the way
Become
Become your self.
Become
Become your self.
Become

ALL
We are
I am
You are worthy

SLOUCH
We did a very good play, Wince.

WINCE
Thanks to you, Slouch.

SLOUCH
(Taking Wince's hand.) Please, call me Emily.

ENSEMBLE
We are worthy of love