WINCE
And now, we come to the main event. Wildes! To your stations!
SLOUCH
What's happening? I haven't read this bit yet.
WINCE
Welcome, gentles all, to the crowning achievement
of a civil and polite society. The High English Tea.
WINCE
The height of grace, the triumph of style,
The cream of society linger awhile
Over pots of hot tea,
We come to this epitome
Of dignity and decorum
Where our two loves may find a forum…
SLOUCH
(Having read ahead.) Oh wait, they're having tea together,
but they both think they're in love with —
WINCE
Enough, Slouch. This is all a comedic farce,
and one of its hallmarks is mistaken identities.
SLOUCH
But we all know who they are.
WINCE
Yes, but they don't. And that's half the fun.
WINCE
The hallmark of the English Tea
Is style, grace and civility.
And with these contenders,
We find no offenders
Of anything uncouth…
SLOUCH
(Aside.) Or anyone knowing the truth.
WINCE
This is a High English Tea.
SLOUCH
Sounds like a fight to me!
WILDES
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.
WINCE
No, no, NO! You have all taken liberties enough!
This is the pinnacle of comedic style from our dear Oscar Wilde.
And that is why we're here, isn't it? Isn't it?
WINCE
Compose yourselves as
I present at once
M. Cecile Cardew,
Such an English rose.
SLOUCH
Just as thorny.
WINCE
Here, we have the mild
Gwyn Fairfax
SLOUCH
Will it come ever to blows?
WINCE
Don't be orn'ry.
GWYN
May I call you Cecile?
CECILE
Yes, may I call you Gwyn?
WILDES
Mm-mm-mm
WINCE
This is going swimmingly.
SLOUCH
But neither will win.
WILDES
Mm-mm-mm
GWYN
You are here on a visit, one imagines.
CECILE
Oh, no, I live here.
GWYN
With your mother or some other relative of advanced years, one hopes?
CECILE
Well, there is Prism, my tutor, but it's mostly just myself
and my dear guardian Worthing.
GWYN
What?
CECILE
I'm dear Worthing's ward.
GWYN
I will eat my hat.
SLOUCH
Cecile scored one for that
SLOUCH & WILDES
That that
That's the tea.
WILDES
That's the tea
That's a hot
Pot of tea
Let it spill
Where it will.
HIGH VOICES
We gotta
Tea fight
OSCAR
Subtle doubt
And they crack.
WILLS & SPERANZA
First they pout
Then attack.
WILDES
Come on and
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.
Tea fight! Tea fight!
Hmm.
WINCE
You're goading them into something untoward.
These are cultured and dignified young people,
who would never resort to any sort of fisticuffs. Isn't that right?
CECILE
No! Never!
GWYN
The thought never entered my mind.
WINCE
Then shall I pour?
GWYN
So dear Ernest is your guardian.
I can't imagine why they didn't mention that. Or you…
CECILE
I beg your pardon, but did you say Ernest?
Oh, but it is not Ernest Worthing who is my guardian.
GWYN
Oh, that is a relief.
CECILE
Ernest Worthing is my fiancée!
WILDES
Ernest.
GWYN
My dearest Cecile,
You make some mistake
For Ernest Worthing
Is engaged to me.
WINCE
Kindly stay seated.
CECILE
I'm afraid you're wrong,
M. Fairfax,
For I am their spouse to be.
SLOUCH
It's getting heated!
GWYN
That is very curious.
CECILE
My journal confirms.
GWYN
I too keep a journal.
GWYN & CECILE
There! In black and white terms!
GWYN
I have prior claim!
CECILE
Darling, don't get shrill!
WINCE
Keep it tame or you'll
WINCE & WILDES
Spill! Spill!
Spill the tea
WILDES
That's the tea
SLOUCH
That could scald.
Third degree.
WILDES
Let it spill
Where it will.
HIGH VOICES
We gotta
Tea fight
O'FLAHERTIE
Hair's uncoiffed.
WILDE
We are rapt.
OSCAR
Gloves are off.
OSCAR, O'FLAHERTIE & WILDE
Nerves have snapped.
WILDES
Come on and
Tea fight! Tea fight!
WINCE
More tea?
GWYN
Yes. Please.
WILDES
Tea fight! Tea fight!
CECILE
Sugar?
GWYN
Sugar is not fashionable any longer.
Perhaps, if you lived in town you would know that.
CECILE
Some cake?
GWYN
Bread and butter. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses in town.
CECILE
No cake and no manners, I must write that down.
CECILE
I was not raised in a gutter.
GWYN
Cake makes my whole body shudder.
CECILE
Since you so love bread and butter!
WINCE
Oh dear. This has gotten intensely out of hand.
GWYN
Since cake sets your heart aflutter!
WILDES
Hmm-ya!
That's the tea!
That's as hot
As can be.
Let it spill
Where it will.
CECILE & GWYN
We got
A
CECILE, GWYN & WILDES
Tea fight
CECILE & GWYN
Now!
WILDES
That's the tea.
That's the tea
That's as hot
As can be
Let it spill
Where it will.
LOW VOICES
We gotta
Tea fight
Why be nice?
LOW VOICES
Why pretend?
Why not slice
And offend?
Let all that rage out.
Let the bourgeoisie fight wage out.
Never let the tea fight –