LADY BRACKNELL
Twenty-five years ago you left Lord Bracknell's house in charge
of a perambulator that contained a very precious babe.
With this child, you never returned. Prism, where is that child?
SLOUCH
(Finding the page.) Oh yes —
ALL
The baby!
SLOUCH
What?!
ALL
The baby!
SLOUCH
The baby.
What a –
WILDES
Shhh-shame!
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh-shame!
SLOUCH
The one I lost. Twenty-five years ago, on my way to the park.
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh…
LADY BRACKNELL
(Interrupting.) Well, Prism, elucidate.
SLOUCH
No thanks, I'm not hungry. But I will sing. C major, please.
LADY BRACKNELL
Oh for heaven's sake.
SLOUCH
In my younger days, I lived-in
As a nursemaid to the rich.
I recall that London morning.
It was sunny for a switch.
I got out the baby buggy
And a bitty baby stole
And I took my bonny baby
For a bitty baby stroll.
WILLS
Allo, Governor!
OSCAR
Pip-Pip! Cheerio!
WILDES
The baby
The baby
The ba–a–aby
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh …
WILDE SOLOIST
(As the baby.) Wahhhh!
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhh …
WILDE SOLOIST
(As Eliza Doolittle.) Flowers for sale!
SLOUCH
What a –
WILDES
Shhhhhhhhh…
WILDE SOLOIST
Fancy a spotted dick?
WILDES
Shame…
SLOUCH
Bitty baby was so happy
Just to lie in buggy bliss.
Goo goo ga ga,
Off to sleepy time
With no more than a kiss.
So I sat down with my handbag
And my eye upon the child
And I opened up the fairy tales —
Of dear ol' Oscar Wilde.
SPERANZA
Oh oh.
WILLS
Oh oh.
WILDE
Oh oh.
WILDES
"Above the city stood
A statue of a prince"
SLOUCH
Become…
WILDES
"Children in the garden
Play beneath the quince."
WILDES
The language set apart
Victorian and queer,
Exposed a beating heart
That echoed
A voice ringing clear
SLOUCH
The castles and the roses
WILDES
Here
SLOUCH
The giants and the noses
WILDES
Here…
SLOUCH
The hijinks and the sly winks
And the wildness Wilde exposes –
WILDES
Ah
LADY BRACKNELL
Slouch!!
The baby!
SLOUCH
The baby????
WILDES
The baby!!!
What a
SLOUCH
No need for you yelling it
I'm getting to the telling it!
WILDES
Shhh…
Shame!
SLOUCH
The fairy tales had spun their web
And time began to slip.
As the thunder clouds exploded
Into dribble dribble drip.
ENSEMBLE
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
Drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip.
WILDE SOLOIST
Raining in England?!
FINGAL
Who could believe it?
SLOUCH
In the melee of the rain day
I was waylaid from the pram
As the deluge and the chaos spread
From here to Buckingham!
SLOUCH & WILDES
What a shhh–
Shame
What a shhh–
Shame
What a –
WILDE
(As baby.) Wahhhh!
WILDES
Shhh…
What a –
WILDE SOLOIST
Wahhhh!
WILDES
What a shame
SLOUCH
Bitty baby! Where was baby?!
And where was the missing pram?
LADY BRACKNELL
The baby…
SLOUCH
I could never face m' Lady,
So this nursemaid better scram.
LADY BRACKNELL
The baby…
SLOUCH
For somehow the baby
Is lost in the shuffle.
The ruffles of fabric
Were lost in the sea
Of rubber galoshes
That slosh and umbrellas
That hustle and bustle
To afternoon tea.
I hurried myself
To Victoria Station,
I purchased a ticket
One-way to the moors.
Donned the facade of a
Cranky old tutor
Who hates all the
Drama her tutee
Explores.
WILDES
(Under Slouch.)
Drip
Drip
Drip
Drip
Oh
Oh
WILDES
What?
WILDE SOLOIST
Shhhh
WILDES
(Quiet.)
What a –
SLOUCH
Such is the bus'ness
Of story devices
While plotting a farce
That depends on a name.
Hijinks and hoodwinks
And all kinds of vices,
For breaking with norms
Is a dangerous game.
WILDES
(Counter to Slouch.)
Shame
Shame!
SLOUCH & WILDES
Ask Oscar Wilde
And he'll tell you same!
WILDE
What?
SLOUCH
Famous and infamous,
Dashing and dangerous —
What an unbearable
Tale of terrible
Shame!